الخميس، 7 أبريل 2011

the first love

The First Love
I've loved him for the first a while I met him, something inside me foretold this is the one I ever dream to meet, I knew he will be mine one day even all that I had scared to lose him .
Days after, we met  in more than one occasion . Once in neighbor and other in my friend's marriage party and many others times later with intent and without it .
One day, I was in my way going shopping ,  He followed me and he started talking to me , he vowed his feelings and love toward me asking me if I could accept his love or no . I didn't know how to say yes I do even I just nodded my head .
Little by little we got knowing each other quite good to start the first step to get married . He visited me and asked my mum for my hand . We engaged , we were very happy , it was the happiest period in my life but the saddest
In 1980. the War out broke in Iraq. He had been asked to do his Military Service Duty , he couldn't refuse or accept it. The Iraqi army serving was obligatory , I didn't feel good to know my fiancé had to serve the army in that  bloody war but  in sane time I couldn't forbid him  of going or not . Before he went to War I vowed him my love and I asked him to promise me to come back to me and he never ever leave me. He said with a sad expression in his eyes that he will always be with me . I even cried I didn't know why I was not comfortable to his going.
He had gone and didn't save his promises! He joined the war on his feet and he had been  brought to me in coffins.
I can't explain to you my dear reader how I  was  feeling that day up  this moment
I'm writing you.
Days and time didn't stop even I wished to stop them and go back few days of time to meet him and hug him for last time but wishes don’t go along with our real bitter life.
I lost my only love, I'd cried and cried for him " come back to me ".   many sad night I spent lonely crying and praying for God " help me and lead me to the right way " . he was visiting me dreams often especially when I pray more and more.
Years later many guys asked for my hand but I couldn't accept love of  any guy . my love is all for my only love although he passed away .
I always dream of him and he sometimes visits me in dreams , whole the long hard years I didn't stop loving him  up now . many times I asked him to take me with him wherever he stays in heaven or hell.
Pains and disasters didn't give up of me ! all these years  another one came when I was 40 years  old and this time  my mum passed away . I lost  both my parent  , my dad was dead when I was 1 year old .  I blast into cry I even tried  to commit a suicide but my faith in God didn’t allow me to do such stupid thing.  I just still alive and in this moment I'm in my bed with the hardness of  one of my legs has been cut  one week ago due to spread of cancer in it.  I just want to disclose you a secret my dear reader " till this moment with all the pains and bitterness I lived and I'm living I didn’t  be sorry for loving him even for one a while ! l didn't stop loving him when he passed away but I always  keep him alive in my heart and mind, even I keep our engagement rings in my jewelers box" .
At last I just can tell with a hopeful face  : " Even I'm almost dying and my last day  almost have came , I'm waiting for this moment to company you there . really I miss you and I love you forever .."


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